it's official - i'm seriously stressed, and emotions are running (haha!) pretty high around here. yesterday, i burst into tears because one of my flip-flops broke - never mind that i've had them for three years & they only cost a quid. & last night, i dreamed someone stole all my running clothes right before the race.
being on the autistic spectrum means that i struggle hugely with any change or disruption to my regular routine. one of the common symptoms of an ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) is what's referred to as a lack of imagination - this doesn't mean "imagination" in a creative sense, but rather an inability to "read" social situations and reasonably predict/imagine what might happen next. for an autistic person, routine is everything - because if something alters your standard day-to-day, and you can't make a reasonable prediction of the effect of this alteration, LITERALLY ANYTHING could happen next. not being able to find your shoes could mean that it might rain. running out of your normal breakfast cereal could mean that you might crash the car on your way to work. & having to pack a bag & travel to another city could mean that the world might end in some awful alien invasion or zombie apocalypse.
over time, your rational mind learns that these things probably won't happen. but with any change or disruption, the stress & panic still surfaces, and sometimes the best you can do is let it bubble away in the background & just get on with things. it's safe to say that from now until i'm back home again on monday, i will be nauseous, headachy, and pretty sleep-deprived. i'll be worrying about everything (what if i throw up? what if the buses are late? what if the noise & chaos is just too much, & i have a full-on meltdown?), even the things that probably won't happen (what if i can't find my team at the start? what if i somehow get lost on the marathon route? what if the elastic in my new running shorts breaks & they fall down in front of everyone?). honestly, running my 8.5 mile relay leg will be the easiest part of the day for me (& that's pretty hard!).
there's not much i can do about this - it's just how my brain is wired, & i can't go through life without any disruption or change. apart from my usual anti-stress measures (knitting!), my only coping strategy in this kind of situation is "plan what you can" - that is, focus on the things that i *do* have control over, and plan the heck out of them. i have lists upon lists upon lists - what i'm taking, what goes with what, what goes in what bag, what to wear when, and what i've already packed - so hopefully nothing important will slip through my stressed-out brain. and yesterday, under supervision from my anti-stress advisor, i started packing my race day kit.
it's made me feel a little more under control, and i'm doing my best not to panic. but if you see a pink-mohawked woman running on sunday while holding her shorts up, for heaven's sake, hand her a safety pin, because she might have forgotten to pack one.
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